NUMBER 3

2005-06-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

JUNE 30TH

THE ALTERNATIVE ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS HAPPENING

2005-01-05T16:31:00.000-08:00

The walk did not begin well. Everybody was meant to be meeting at WHsmith in Charing Cross Station at 7.30pm. A simple task you might think, but Charing Cross Station has two WHSmiths, so the first 10 minutes were spent traipsing from branch to branch trying to assemble our troops. We will not make this mistake again with our next walk, where we will be meeting outside a shop on Oxford Street.

2005-01-04T16:30:00.003-08:00

We started to get some people together who wanted to come on the walk. This was not one of them

2005-01-04T16:30:00.002-08:00

But eventually our streamlined group was assembled. A disappointing turnout after the last walks massive crowd. Turns out a lot of people couldnt make it due to Christmas parties. What do they think lifes about? Fun????

2005-01-04T16:30:00.001-08:00

As there was no tarmac to sign the no responsibility disclaimer, we had to improvise, and the disclaimer was signed on the number 3s bodies. Faces have been changed to avoid responsibility for our own stomachs.

2005-01-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

We needed group bonding, and we needed it quick. We needed something that would make us a team. We needed a group scent. That way as we walked down the road the whiff of cheap perfume would really help give us impact. We went into the body shop and the competition was to see who could put on the most free samples, with a minimum of five different scents.

2005-01-04T16:29:00.002-08:00

This man won by putting on a face pack, although the lady in the shop thought it looked more like warpaint. Then again, she had just been scalped. He won a top comedy video. What a lucky man.

2005-01-04T16:29:00.001-08:00

We needed information. How the hell could we get on this goddam walk anyway? It looked like it was going to be FUN! Luckily there was an information counter, and we were told that to be a part of it we had to exchange our money for chocolate coins. So we did.

2005-01-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

The walk had begun. First we all went into a lingerie shop, and laughed like children. Everyone got really embarrassed, and the customers left the shop. Probably for the best. I dont think they would have looked good in a g-string anyway. Thinking about it, it was probably for his wife.

2005-01-04T16:28:00.002-08:00

The next stop was boots. Everyone got a basket when they went in from the pile on the left, browsed around for a bit

2005-01-04T16:28:00.001-08:00

But when they found nothing they wanted left and put the empty basket in the pile on the right. After a while it became very difficult to get the baskets in. Youd have expected such an popular shop to have thought this through.

2005-01-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

But Christmas isnt Christmas without balloons. Particularly, those big noisy ones that let off a whistle when they go off.

2005-01-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

Thirty of them let off in Charing Cross station looked quite impressive. Although they were quite difficult to photograph. Some might even say this was taken a little after the event

2005-01-04T16:25:00.000-08:00

Next stop - whistle stop shop. Into which, we did hop. And where on earth better to whistle? Just one person at first - a little Christmas carol. But then, mysteriously the whole shop joined in. Almost as if it had been planned. Hmmm.

2005-01-04T16:24:00.001-08:00

This was turning out pretty well. Then we spotted a photo booth - it was time for a group photo! We couldnt do this with 30 people, but with 10 - why not?!? Surely we could get into a booth. Maybe one day we could share a passport. Except there was someone in there. So we waited.

2005-01-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

And waited

2005-01-04T16:23:00.001-08:00

And waited

2005-01-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

And waited

2005-01-04T16:22:00.001-08:00

Eventually, we decided to see who was hogging it for so long. And my god - you wont believe this - but - and this is true - inside, was SANTA CLAUS!!!!

2005-01-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

He gave everybody Christmas presents - some of which were like really nice.

2005-01-04T16:21:00.001-08:00

Well, we say gave - he actually wanted payment - in chocolate coins. What is the world coming to

2005-01-04T16:21:00.000-08:00

Surely not everyone had lost the Christmas spirit. Surely someone would give us a present without asking for money Had everything become soooooo commercial. We asked the lady at the newsagent booth, who gave us all chuppa chops! What a nice lady!

2005-01-04T16:20:00.001-08:00

One of our crew rewarded her with a pot of jam that had been given him by Santa Claus. This seemed like the right thing to do. After all, it wasnt like the woman had secretly been paid beforehand. If that had been the case, giving the jam might have been the wrong thing to do. But luckily that wasnt the case, so everything was fine.

2005-01-04T16:20:00.000-08:00

The love was rife. And it was time for it to spread. This girl was on the phone to her friend in Poland, so we popped in a pound and sung her a Christmas carol. Who says we cant all live together in peace and harmony.

2005-01-04T16:19:00.001-08:00

A short stroll, and we found ourselves outside a magic shop. It was time to do some magic - a quick game of find the lady. But who needs cards when youve got an actual lady. Of course, this would be like the easiest game ever if we hadnt put bags on their heads.

2005-01-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

So we mixed them up.

2005-01-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

But the pickers somehow managed to get it right. The next time, we even changed the clothes round while they looked away. They got it right again. What are these people? Hustlers? Maybe she was letting off some kind of weird lady-scent.

2005-01-04T16:12:00.001-08:00

Still, our Christmas spirit was going into decline. It was time for some carol singing. We went for We wish you a merry Christmas But its all so self centred - we do this, we do that. Thats why we sang and so does Satan at the end of each line.

2005-01-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

So much love. We even started taping money to random peoples bicycles. Better than having your wheel stolen.

2005-01-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

It was time to take a little back. We were fed up of walking around, like our followers. So we number 3s got a taxi, while the rest of the group walked alongside.

2005-01-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

This is our lovely taxi driver.

2005-01-04T16:09:00.001-08:00

Before long, we were all together again in Sainsburys, except now we were a bunch of Germans, celebrating the Happy 15th when Germans get together and fill the sock of a stranger with gifts. No one wanted to give us a sock...

2005-01-04T16:09:00.000-08:00

So we ended up buying this guys shopping.

2005-01-04T16:08:00.001-08:00

The goodwill had to end. It was time for a military manoeuvre. Our hapless band, moving quickly and silently to Covent Garden with canisters of silly string.

2005-01-04T16:08:00.000-08:00

They assumed their positions on the balcony overlooking the pub.

2005-01-04T16:07:00.001-08:00

And fired This was not easy to photograph.

2005-01-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

These are the people of the pub, covered in the stuff.

2005-01-04T16:06:00.002-08:00

This table seemed to bear the brunt of it.

2005-01-04T16:06:00.001-08:00

A celebratory conga line began. Dancing through HMV

2005-01-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

And the back of a taxi we stopped...

2005-01-04T16:05:00.001-08:00

This taxi driver was not so impressed. It was time all the fun simmered down. Wed all have mince pies.

2005-01-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

But my god! £1 a pie? Were they having a laugh? Luckily wed bought a few packets at Sainsburys and gave them to passers by for free. It wasnt long before this became a food fight. This photo was taken as a pie was being dodged. Apologies for its quality.

2005-01-04T16:04:00.001-08:00

Finally, we sat down at a café, and gave people some Crackers. We all pulled them and had a jolly lovely time. We wish you could have been there. If you were, were glad you were.

2005-01-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

A perfect end to a perfect Christmas night, so we ran off. THE END

2005-01-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

What? Have we been too damn busy to put up the news of the last walk yet? Too busy poncing around - to give a little back to the walk going public? Yes. Here's a picture of our appearance on the radio to wet your appetite for tomorrow, when they'll appear. We wore masks to preserve our anonymity. The woman in the middle did not. We suspect she is not one of us.

THE SECOND ALTERNATIVE ALTERNATIVE WALK

2004-12-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hereby follows the story of the second alternative alternative walk. Everyone had been primed to meet in Macdonalds, and when the group was formed, we went outside and declared the streets open:

2004-12-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

Everyone then signed a disclaimer, as is the alternative alternative tradition to swear that they were not responsible for their own actions.

2004-12-06T09:57:00.002-08:00

We got a lot more signatures than last time

2004-12-06T09:57:00.001-08:00

Everyone knew they were about to go on a trip. A non-magic mushroom trip. We handed out tescos finest oyster mushrooms, and everyone prepared themselves for their non-hallucinogenic hallucination.

2004-12-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

The streets are a safe place to experience such a non-trip, and to prove this one of the number 3s left a valued possession on the street to prove this fact: his underpants.

2004-12-06T09:56:00.001-08:00

The other number 3 left his contact lense. When he returned it was gone. Someone received the gift of sight, but no one wanted the gifts of pants which were still there.

2004-12-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

At alternative alternative, we believe a crowd generates a crowd and so we tried to do that. To shout "fight!" seemed to be the obvious way to do that, but we didnt want to promote such negativity so the crowd shouted no fight! and of the number threes skipped around and showed their love for one another and the world.

2004-12-06T09:55:00.001-08:00

Indeed, a crowd was attracted, including this woman who told us about Jesus. So she can spread her message over the internet, its only the blood can save you. Please remember that so she doesnt have to go around shouting it.

2004-12-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

Oh, and this is the face of love again - only bigger.

2004-12-06T09:54:00.001-08:00

One more time.

2004-12-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

What you probably didnt realise is that she is 102 years old but uses BLOOD moisturiser - for that saintly grow.
After collecting the money from everyone we decided to buy them all an ice cream.

2004-12-06T09:53:00.001-08:00

Making sure of course, we got a receipt.

2004-12-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

This is the ice cream that we bought. The 28 spoons were free.

2004-12-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

The crowd then walked through Leicester Square pretending to be zombies.

2004-12-06T09:51:00.001-08:00

Until we reached a pizza stand, where number three bought a piece of pizza, had a bite and threw his slice to the floor in disgust.

2004-12-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

We then took it in turns to do the same thing, while the rest of the crowd hid. This person was very good at it.

2004-12-06T09:50:00.001-08:00

And this is what the pizza looked like.

2004-12-06T09:50:00.000-08:00

Until much to everyones disgust, some tramp picked it up and ate it.

2004-12-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

Until much to everyone's disgust, some tramp came over picked it up and ate it.

2004-12-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

We were getting a lot of negative energy from him, so we sang him a Christmas song to cheer him up, and he ran off and got changed in a phone box.

2004-12-06T09:47:00.001-08:00

Only to come out as SUPER-SANTA! He furnished the crowd with beers.

2004-12-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

Thereby followed a reading from the menu according to Chiquito "In the beginning were the appetisers..."

2004-12-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

Look at the crowd's attention and awe...

2004-12-06T09:45:00.001-08:00

We then had a competition to see who could go round some revolving doors the most times.

2004-12-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

This man won with 21, and no one even challenged him. He wasnt even on the walk. This is him being presented with his prize, but in retrospect, we reckon he might have been drunk, which is cheating, so if anyone sees him, you are welcome to take his watch. He was so busy by this time he could not even spell.

2004-12-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

Number three then lead everyone off a massive drop for an EXTREME ADRENNALIN RUSH.

2004-12-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

And this girl ripped her skirt.

2004-12-06T09:41:00.001-08:00

Number three then climbed up a lamppost but no-one else seemed interested.

2004-12-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

When crossing the road a car started beeping us, so we all laid down in front of it

2004-12-06T09:40:00.001-08:00

This is it from the point of view of the number 3s

2004-12-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

To give everyone a chance to win some money, we then built a salt course (insert comment on potential pun here)

2004-12-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

And began A SLUG RACE!

2004-12-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

However all bets were off, when it turned out one of the slugs was cheating and using a car

2004-12-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

After a few more games, we practised falling down number 3 shouted the word Game! We didnt realise how useful this would become.

2004-12-06T09:35:00.001-08:00

We then saw a young couple and surrounded them. Ha, ha, ha, naughty us!

2004-12-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

We made them do a snog, and then finally let them go safe in the knowledge that we had created love.

2004-12-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

The final game was to create an underground fairground in the Trafalgar Square fountain. Operating guerrilla tactics we got some rubber ducks in their, and people took it in turns to hook one out for a prize.

2004-12-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

No one managed it before the security guards came over. So we shouted the word game! and everyone fell unconscious on to the floor. When we finally woke up the security guard let us off. You can't see it all very well as the guards wore some special kind of top designed to mess up the flash on cameras. Cunning

2004-12-06T09:32:00.001-08:00

Our penultimate destination was Waterstones, the bookshop, where we would create a surrealist story. Everyone went in pretending not to know each other.

2004-12-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

Then we all read a single line from a book from various places in the store. The security guard got a little confused, and one of the number 3s pretended to freak out.

2004-12-06T09:31:00.001-08:00

Their masterpiece complete the artists hit the road and revelled in the joy of creative discovery.

2004-12-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

That was going to be the end, but we decided to drop down dead once more in Charing Cross station for old times sakes. We stayed down for about a minute

2004-12-06T09:30:00.000-08:00

Then that was the end. Thanks to everyone who came along. See you at the next one on the 15th. Any comments can be left here, or anywhere above. Any photos you want to share can be emailed to us at mail@yourealreadydead.com .

2004-11-30T10:04:00.000-08:00

In case you is interested in reading it, there is a articul in time out London this week about the walks we is running. It is on page 66.

THE FIRST ALTERNATIVE ALTERNATIVE WALK

2004-11-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

Yes! Last night was the first alternative alternative walk – in case you missed it – here’s what happened.

2004-11-19T08:23:00.002-08:00

The weather was miserable, and we didnt think anyone would turn up. But we were foolish enough to go along anyway, and found that eight other people were foolish enough too. Here is our lovely audience.

2004-11-19T08:23:00.001-08:00

Everyone there then signed a disclaimer on the pavement to say they would take no responsibility for own actions. And the walk began.

2004-11-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

We were worried that people might have had problems finding Cambridge Circus, so we thought wed experiment by asking directions. We then hid behind this news-stand at Cambridge Circus and asked Mr News guy one by one.

2004-11-19T08:22:00.000-08:00

He was very helpful. This is him saying goodbye to us.

2004-11-19T08:21:00.002-08:00

The route then began, it was very specific and strict, as you can see here. It involved going through the backseat of a parked car and a couple of revolving doors. Oh, what fun!

2004-11-19T08:21:00.001-08:00

On the way however, we were sure we spotted something in a doorway, which looked like some kind of ninja, but we felt ok, because he didnt seem to be following us Or so we thought

2004-11-19T08:21:00.000-08:00

On our travels, we bumped into this girl, who seemed to be waiting for someone she loved. We all courted her to see if it was us. She seemed mainly to show interest in the other girls

2004-11-19T08:20:00.002-08:00

After this, we decided it was time for a game. Number 3 demonstrated and then people took it in terms to see who could wave the longest with a massive smile at a random stranger in a shop. This one lasted 48 seconds. Apologies for the photography

2004-11-19T08:20:00.001-08:00

This was then topped by a wave at a restaurant, which we all joined in with after it beat the one minute mark. The people in the restaurant just ignored us. I think maybe they were a bit weird.

2004-11-19T08:20:00.000-08:00

As we walked down the road Justin told us a bit about himself.